i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
