Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
