Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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