Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Randomize
