Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
