You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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