Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
