my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
