you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
