I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
