if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
