with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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