It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize