my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
