he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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