Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
