Will you blow on my dice?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Randomize