I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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