Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
