mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
