Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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