i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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