your thong is hanging out like whoa
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
