i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
