I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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