haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
