remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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