But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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