WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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