o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
