do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
