if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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