just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
