As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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