I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
