I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
