Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
