3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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