have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
