he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
