My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
