Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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