Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
