just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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