Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
