The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
