i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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