mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
