fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
