I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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