I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
