I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
My dick has a subreddit
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
