I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
