I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
