I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just threw up on my dentist
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
