No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
jump out the window naked night went bad
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