id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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