For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
