I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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