Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
