when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize