I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
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