She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
