If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
