I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
