you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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