Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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