His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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