This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Found the puke drawer
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
